How Family Mediation Handles New Partners after Separation?

Can One Parent Control When the Other Introduces a New Partner?

Parents separated from each other might be very opinionated on the timing of introducing a new partner to their children.

It is important not to make assumptions that one partner has the right to control the other’s personal relationships.

Instead, a better question for the mediator to address would be:

“How can we introduce this new person to the children without creating unnecessary conflict?”

There could be several important considerations in this discussion.

1. The Child’s Age and Maturity

The way a young child will comprehend a parent’s new relationship will differ entirely from a teenager’s interpretation of that same situation.

Parents can talk about the amount of information to convey and how to introduce it, depending on the age and comprehension ability of their child.

2. How the Child Is Adjusting to the Separation

Not all children adjust to having two homes rapidly; some children may require more time than others.

In situations where a child continues to experience difficulty due to significant changes in their life, the impact of making yet another adjustment should be considered.

The best interests approach in Ontario explicitly takes into account the needs of a child based on his/her developmental stage, one of which is stability.

3. How Established the New Relationship Is

The parents may talk about whether this new individual is only just beginning to date one of the parents or will be a permanent fixture in the life of the child.

It is not necessary that mediation should put an arbitrary time limit. What the mediation process aims at is to help parents think about how to do it for their family.

4. How Often the New Partner Will Be Present

A short introduction is also distinct from the case where there is a new individual living with the family who provides care for the children.

It becomes necessary to establish some form of expectations as the level of involvement increases.

5. How the Other Parent Is Informed

Parents may feel that any major changes in the family setting must be conveyed to the children directly and not be discovered by them.

It does not mean that parents have to tell their children about their new relationships. This conversation can remain confined to things that concern the children.

6. How Conflict Will Be Kept Away From the Children

It is inappropriate to put children in the middle of conflicts related to their parent’s new relationships.

The mediation process may allow parents to agree on the non-questioning of children regarding the new relationships and the non-use of children as go-betweens for conflicts regarding the new relationships when meeting their children.

The child-centered process does not require mutual approval of a new relationship by both parents. It requires understanding the aspects of a new relationship relevant to children.

What Boundaries Can Parents Set Around a New Partner’s Role?

Can a New Partner Discipline the Children?

This is one of the most common areas of disagreement.

A new partner living in the house can definitely be expected to take part in day-to-day activities in the home. He or she could possibly ask the child to put the toys back, adhere to bedtime rituals or behave decently while having meals.

Problems could come up where the new partner starts to take actions which the other parent feels should have been taken by the parents of the child.

Mediation can help parents discuss questions such as:

• What normal household rules apply in each home?
• Who should address serious behavioural concerns?
• Can the new partner impose consequences?
• When should the child’s parent become directly involved?
• How should concerns be communicated between households?
• What happens when household rules are different?

The purpose is not necessarily to create identical rules in both homes. That may be unrealistic.

Instead, parents can identify the areas where clearer expectations would prevent repeated arguments.

Can a New Partner Make Parenting Decisions?

Caregiving on an everyday basis is different from having decision-making responsibility.

A new partner may assist in daily tasks. This may involve cooking meals, helping with homework, taking the child somewhere, or supervising the child when the parent is busy.

These acts do not necessarily mean the new partner can make important decisions regarding the upbringing of the child.

According to Ontario’s Children’s Law Reform Act, decision-making responsibility involves the ability to make important decisions impacting a child, including decisions pertaining to health, education, cultural, linguistic, religious, spiritual, and extracurricular activities.

Furthermore, Ontario’s Children’s Law Reform Act also acknowledges that there is a difference between making decisions on important issues and decisions that may come up in the course of parenting. Unless there is an order to the contrary, the person with parenting time can make decisions regarding the child during such parenting time.

Mediation can therefore help parents distinguish between:

• Major parenting decisions
• Normal household routines
• Everyday caregiving
• Transportation
• Homework assistance
• Attending activities
• Relaying logistical information
• Responding appropriately in an emergency

Should a New Partner Attend School Meetings or Medical Appointments?

This can depend heavily on the family’s circumstances.

Some parents may have no objection to a new spouse attending a school concert or routine activity. A formal parent-teacher meeting or medical appointment may raise different concerns.

During mediation, parents might consider:

• Whether the new partner’s presence is actually helpful
• Whether the child is comfortable with it
• Who currently has relevant decision-making responsibility
• Whether private medical or educational information is involved
• Whether the new partner has a genuine caregiving role
• Whether their presence is likely to create unnecessary conflict

The goal should be to support the child’s needs rather than turn important appointments into disputes between adults.

Can Parents Put Rules About New Partners in a Parenting Agreement?

Parents can use mediation to discuss practical expectations involving new partners and record terms they both accept.

Depending on the circumstances, discussions may involve:

• Introducing a new partner to the children
• Overnight arrangements
• Household discipline
• Transportation
• Parenting exchanges
• Attendance at school activities
• Medical appointments
• Emergency contacts
• Photographs and social media
• Privacy and family information
• Communication between adults

Ontario recognizes that parenting arrangements may be agreed informally, included in a separation agreement or set out in a parenting order.

What Happens When Parents Cannot Agree About a New Partner?

There is no necessity for parents to reach an agreement on every issue regarding their personal lives.

The real problems occur if a dispute about a new partner influences the children or parenting time repeatedly.

A Toronto Family Mediator can assist parents in narrowing down the dispute.

In lieu of spending time discussing the issue of whether a new relationship is good or bad, the mediation process can consider certain issues which can actually be solved.

For example:

• Who will communicate with the school?
• Who can pick up the children?
• How will parenting exchanges work?
• What role will a new partner have in discipline?
• What information about the children may be shared?
• How will parents handle social media?
• What happens if the new partner attends an activity?
• How will concerns be raised in the future?

Breaking a larger conflict into individual issues can make agreement more realistic.

How Can a Family Mediator Help Parents Reach Practical Rules?

The process may involve several steps.

1. Identify the Actual Problem

A dispute may initially sound like:

“I don’t want your new partner around the children.”

Further discussion may reveal that the actual problem is transportation, discipline, overnight stays or communication.

A specific problem is usually easier to discuss than a general objection to the relationship.

2. Separate Parenting Concerns From Personal Conflict

Certain conflicts are indeed related to actual parenting problems.

At times, however, conflicts can result from feelings of anger or resentment or other unresolved emotions that stem from separation.

Mediation may allow focusing the conflict on the impact of the problem on the children.

It is important not to ignore the emotional aspect of conflict but make sure that parenting is done out of necessity, not as a way to control the ex-partner.

3. Clarify Each Parent’s Expectations

It is likely that both parents may realize they have never really sat down and talked about their expectations.

While one believes his/her new partner will assist with disciplining the child, the other believes all disciplining must be done by the children’s parents alone.

This may bring to light where the real difference lies.

4. Explore Workable Options

There could be various solutions.

For instance, the parents may decide that the presence of a new partner would assist in enforcing the rules of normal functioning of the family but any behavioral issues will be handled by the parent only.

Alternatively, the parents may decide that the new partner could drop off the child but anything else regarding pick-up time will be informed in advance.

In Toronto Divorce Mediation, the parents get an opportunity to decide based on what works for them.

5. Put Agreed Terms in Writing

In case the parents reach an agreement, a clearly worded document will minimize misunderstandings in the future.

The wording of the document needs to describe what each parent agrees to do, as opposed to making assumptions such as “using common sense” or being polite.

Parents that need to know how their agreement will be legally interpreted will consider seeking separate legal advice.

What Issues Could Be Included in a Mediation Agreement?

The terms will depend on the family.

Possible issues involving new partners may include:

• How significant household changes will be communicated
• How new partners are introduced to children
• Parenting exchange arrangements
• Transportation and pickups
• Household discipline
• Attendance at school activities
• Medical appointments
• Emergency contacts
• Photographs and social media
• Privacy involving children’s information
• Communication between adults
• Children’s extracurricular activities
• Overnight arrangements
• How future concerns will be raised

The purpose of written expectations is not to regulate every moment of the other household.